sarbat juice taste like ants

I've never felt like a fucking jerk ever. Well not for a very long time. But today when i was in the LRT i kinda gave this retard a "look". ANd the kid just shy his face away from me and i felt terrible. I tell you i should've apologize or something. It was not my intention to give him this "look". Its u know my flaw. It's this thing i cannot control and i think it's one of many factors that is affecting my social mingling process. I have this surprise look thingy that i do when i see something weird or surprising. u know like, u see a retard or ur friend taking drugs in front of you... shooting coke or marijuana in his body. The "look" is a result of my brain .... processing and collecting all the data, and it could not compute a suitable "look" for a given occasion and hence the "look". I know i was rude. The "look" is sorta a mixture of pity + judging + ridiculing + glad that u are not one of them look. The "look" is cruel. I am cruel and i hate myself for giving him the look.

But his mom was even more cruel cause she won't like ..... want to be near him. Well, I was looking from a safe distance and making my own assumptions. But i think his mom should u know .... tuck him between her arms coz it sucks when people stare at you. Oh fuck ...it sucks!!!. Especially when your flaw is dangling for people to see. Its paranoia taken to a whole new level.

When i look at e-mails containing graphic scenes of people getting their head chopped off or u know those terrorists short .wmv file movie that shows a hostage getting slaughtered or a terrible accident or any other graphic images or video..... i don't give a crap. It's just death. I mean shit happens. I mean death is like .. destiny. U can't do nothing about it. But when i was watching bersamamu i was like " damn it, why?!!!" i can't watch this shit. It's like oh man ... it's sad and it's so real ..... the show really makes u feel humble. Feel arghh ... i don't know ... and i would have the "look"the whole time while i am watching the show. I could only stand minutes before i switch channels.

I think it's only human to feel shitty if you cannot do something about something that really needed to be done something about. What the fuck am i saying? An example. U see a motorist having problems with his/her car whatever and u thought about helping. And your brain is like having a courtesy VS selffish-needs conflict wheteher tu pull over and help or get home ASAP so u can play basketball etc. And after u passed by... u feel like ... shit i could've done something. And the window of opportunity to help was slammed shut when u passed by him/her. And u'd feel shitty for the very least seconds before .... poof! back to your little world where everything is in order and no one is in no need of help. Just to make everything feel allright you'd go ... "oh she's fine .. someone will come by and help her " .. or .. "it's nothing ...". I dunno ... But that feeling sucks. I'm wondering if superman feels the same way? He can't save everybody .. can he?

The thing about us people is that in someway we feel comfortable in our own spaces. With Our own click and our own problem .. our own timeline until that we don't give a crap about nothing else ... other than those who actually relate to our space. It's like friends, family, someone u know and then ... that's it. That's as far as we would go to help. I think most people are..like that. I think i'm like that ... a little selfish ... insecure. .. and giving the"look" is not making things better ...

I can't think of 50 things i should really care about .... maybe ten ... or 15 but not 50 .. and that .. makes me a jerk ... ... today ... tomorrow this jerkish hangover would go away and everyting will be better ...

whatever .. i'm watching homegrown ...