Pre-swim blog

When we were younger, our definition of fear is a bit different from that of now. I remember watching this movie where the ghost originated from a dead girl corpse buried in a cement wall. This is a Malay movie. And afterwards my senses went haywire. It's as if my hearing was amplified to pick up almost anything and translate them to ghost whispers.

I also hate going up lifts alone at night. Still do. There was this one telemovie where a guy who's about to get off the lift suddenly see a freaking ghost once the door opened.

The surprise manner of these incidents in the movie coupled with the then visualiastion of ghosts is pretty traumatic for a 7 year old.

As we grow up, It wasn't ghost anymore. I fear making mistakes that could lead to me getting spanked. And to be honest I do get a way with a lot i think. I was pretty active when i was a kid (told by mom) and think I still am. I would always do things that would invite rage among even the nicest parents. I was just curious and most of the time I would act upon that curiousity which resulted in an inconvinient moment for everyone. And of course followed by good ol malay spanking.

It worked though. Fear is like an invisble leash when we were kids. It limits me to not venture into more trouble. So with fear, the do's and the painful don'ts are pretty much clear.

When I was little I didn't know that fear would not just limit a person but could also consume and transform a person. For me fear will go away. It is not in people. fear is ghosts. fear is the thin sturdy cane or a cloth hangar or belt. I have tom make sure i behave and everything would be allright.

Then it changes.

At school. Fear becomes different. Even druing my time at school, we fear not being able to socialize. The art of getting along when we were pre-teens were as complicated as when we were teens. mom and dad is not there anymore to babysit you. the do's and don'ts are even more complicated. you are bound by rules. And you have to mingle some more.

To fit in you would have to be special. Special means your attribute as a person must stand out. This is how kids label each other. Once you are labelled a piece of shit, it's going to be a tough child hood.

I consider my self lucky since there were not much things that you can impress anyone with at that time. Everyone likes gaban or suria perkasa hitam. everyone plays in mud. the rich the poor. All the same. That's how you basically impress your firends with whatever skill set you have. you do what they do. If not, you'll fear you'll be an outcast etc.

Sports would be a safe one. By playing sport you would eliminate the fear of not getting along because sports naturally encourages participitation. Then you'd get along and if you get good at it you'd even become popular. But at such a young age everyone pretty much suck at sport.

ying would not be complete without yang. Those who despise sports would probably be into music or some other subjective form of activity. They are a pretty niche bunch at school and usually considered cool.

At this juncture, fear takes on a new life form and whole new meaning. This is where it can limit or diminish a kid potential just because he want's to fit in. I could say to the majority of kids fitting in is kinda scary. To adults too.

How bout those who are caught in limbo. You're not smart or dumb. Doesn't play sport or other activities. These type usually spend years looking for groups to fit in.

I would probably be a depressed kid then if all my friends had handphones ihones and shit and game consoles and stuff. It's a tough act to follow. Etiher you have it or not.

Now... you'r afraid of ghosts and always anxious about fitting in. Is this as good as it gets? no.

Once you become an adult, fear means responsibility. This is where we're afraid for things to go fucked and not going our way.

Imagine, I literally risk my life every morning caused by fear of clocking in late for work. There is something terribly wrong with that. You're not afraid of a car crash but you're afraid of a tiny console that says "thank you you;re late" after you pressed your finger on it.

I also see a lot of highly paid executives who's afraid to make decisions. People hold back their comments in meeting to not hurt other people feeling.

Fear now turns into perception. Slowly you realize .... fear won't go away. It exists because you let it exists. It is how you deal with it that makes a difference.

So fear transformed from something visually horrible to physical pain, to emotional pain.And the funny thing is, responsibility is a good thing and we're afraid to commit cause we're afraid we might be fucked. Silly me for thinking fear would go away just like all them ghosts by the end of a movie.

If that's the case, forever we are limited and live in fear. Or live with fear. which ever.

There were times at a socially awkward events where I would say .. I'll pick ghosts over what's happening now anytime..