Feeling Notes Project IMMY2016

Certainty

1) A big day is usually reserved for life altering events. A wedding for example, a birth of a child, your graduation, the time you were accepted for your first job etc. To me, the Ironman certainly deserved to be ranked up there. Some events are "expected" as we get older; for example, getting married, having kids, getting a job etc. These are the path in life that we automatically adhere to and they're important nonetheless. However, for the Ironman, it wasn't the cultural norm or something that people would do to conform to society. You don't fulfill society or your family expectations by doing an Ironman. It's a voluntary choice which for me, was made 7 years ago when I read those powerful words displayed on the Ironman website. "You will do this".

2) I had to skip IMMY 2010 because I didn't have time to train since I was away for a 6 months course. IMMY came back in 2014 but I was getting ready to leave for the UK. Missed 2015 because I just got back from the UK. So 2016 was it. My first Ironman. As luck has it, 2016 would be the final installment of Ironman Langkawi. It took me 7 years to finally cross that finish line and seems like it was my first and last (for Langkawi at least).

3) To be honest, the reason for me to attempt the Ironman was superficial. I wanted the title. I wanted to do something that was near difficult but doable and niche. Something that require effort and will show in the end. I wanted to belong with the selected few who'd done it. That was the appeal. I'm convinced that finishing the damn thing was hard and if I did it, I can rank myself above the average joes. I soon realize the Ironman/training was my way of compensating other under achievements in my life.

Illusion of certainty

4) You always hear stuff like if you exercise, you are literally lapping everyone else on the couch? But that doesn't seem to do it for me. It's a bit convenient to use that as an excuse to just show up and barely finish the Ironman. That wasn't what triathlon or the Ironman was suppose to be like. Not to me anyway. I wanted it to appear like how it was when I first learned about it 7 years ago. Brutal, and you HAVE to work hard to even finish it. Being a triathlete was not enough. My logic was all Ironman are triathletes but not all triathletes are Ironman. So once and for all, I just had to do the Ironman to validate that triathlete or triathlon are tough. That if I do the Ironman, which is the longest of all triathlon distance I've ever attempted,  will unlock triathlon and reveal to me the true nature of the sport. It will unlock what it means to be a triathlete. I want to experience the hurt not only in races but also training. It has to mean something more than just a race. I have to feel like I earned it.

5) I felt like I can finish the Ironman if I trained some, so I just had to put that feeling to test. I never DNFed my races no matter how hard things get. Partly because there wasn't any real issues for me to finish a race. And that was how i approached races. To simply finish. So, I think as time goes by, I sort of celebrated mediocrity. Between 2010 to 2014 I just kept finishing races without any specific objectives. I felt like as long as I finish a triathlon I was entitled to that triathlete status. I didn't properly train. I didn't care about training at different paces let alone care about nutrition. Core training? Waste of time. A training plan usually means completing the distance as fast as possible. Period. A painful lesson learned during my maiden marathon and some other longer races that followed.

6) This self entitlement was probably strengthen by the fact that I'm probably the only guy in the office who swim, bike and run. I'm the only one who is crazy enough to ... . People marvel at my ability to endure. As a self proclaimed triathlete I was by default already in that "special" bracket (at least in my head). Naturally, my performance reached plateau and I did not improve. I did not get injured but also didn't get any faster. I was stagnant. I wasn't doing the Ironman. And more and more people are doing it, finishing it, with less training than I thought people should have. It is quickly starting to lose its appeal. It's getting more commercialized/mainstream. Was Ironman becoming the new marathon? 

Uncertainty

7) In 2016, I still held on to the idea that you have to train or you simply can't complete it. So I started paying attention to training by 4th quarter of 2015. I took part in the weekly 5k park run while in the UK and I wanted to run a sub 20 min 5k thinking that it'll help the run leg of the Ironman. So I started to train specifically for that. My PB for a 5k was 21:43 and that was the best it got. My running didn't improve much and I feel like I could do better had I trained more. The real reason was probably had to do with my haphazard way of training. Once back in Malaysia, I again revisit the Ironman idea. Ironman was on top of my to do list for 2016 and I was already curious about structured training. Especially how the pros did it. I read about Macca, Crowie, Jan Frodeno, Lance Armstrong, Kurt Cobain, The Tarahumara (Born to Run), Killian Jornet, Scott Jurek etc. and I realized that these people, who were masters of their craft, didn't care about titles and winning. They do it because they love to push themselves and explore what they are capable of. They strive for improvement. There's something pure about their approach. They are passionate. They are so fixiated on the process and the end didn't matter as long as they've put every last effort in the process. Basically they train to be a better version of themselves and to continue to improve and explore their limits. They race of course, to win. But they don't always train to win. They train to improve and go beyond their limits.

8) So convinced by the pros and largely by the large amount of funds committed for Ironman Langkawi in 2016, I wanted to do it right. I wanted to not to only finish but at the same time explore my limits. I wanted to learn about the process, approach the damn thing with sort of a pro mindset. Determination, commitment, desire etc. An array of motivation quotes can be used to sum up how I feel during the early stages of my Ironman training. Training. That to me was how the Ironman is going to be earned. 

Reality

9) It was harder than I tought as chronicled in my training posts. I realized that it takes a lot to reach to a competetive level in Ironman. A LOT. What I did in 2016 leading up to IMMY 2016 seems like nothing compared to the pros or even competetive age groupers. The amount of training is just crazy. And near the end, I slacked off a bit. These people spent a lifetime getting better. They've done their time and they are reaping the rewards of being patient and disciplined. 

10) More often than not, I sort of use it to feed social media. Sometimes, I feel like I was milking it (conciously or unconciously) when I announce I do triathlons. I was definitely not puking by the tracks, or going on epic bike rides or swim 3-4 hours a day. It's far from those youtube videos where people talk about sacrifices and run towards the sunset shirtless etc (Jan Frodeno btw.). I was merely a finisher and I had fun doing it. I walked the runs. I barely made the swim. And to be honest, the bike was painful. I also imagined that I was going to be hurting so bad that I would barely made it. It wasn't like that. I finished and it was satisfying. Primarily because I trained for it. 

11)  Let's not get started on the cost and time spent to just finish this race, which in hindsight seems a bit absurd. To be fair though, even though triathlon is resource consuming and sometime suck the joy out of your life, most of the times I enjoyed training. I like the tranquility of long ride and runs. I like doing flip turns because its cool. I like the fact that I can swim freestyle. Training is just fun and probably the main reason why I continued doing it. Racing was fun too. I mean, that's the only thing that justifies all the training and investments made. So Ironman was probably an excuse. Maybe even without Ironman I would venture and do this things purely because I need a challenge, something to overcome.

12) So, a sense of realization about being a triathlete/Ironman was also a result of this Ironman project. Ironman didn't feel like THE Ironman I envisaged. It's just another sport that was fun, challenging and most importantly revealing. I thought training would elevate me as a triathlete but instead it showed who I was and who I wasn't.

The only certainty is uncertainty and that is the reality

13) That's why Ironman to me, is a life altering event. As far as sports is concerned, I can probably divide it into pre and post-Ironman where after Ironman, I felt like the trajectory of my life has changed. I realize that you can call yourself anything, a runner, a swimmer, a cyclist, a football player etc. But athlete? That term should be reserved for people who embodies discipline, long term commitment and awareness of their body and capabilities. Plus yearning to improve and to win.   

14) Making improvement and overcoming a challenge is always fun and desirable. But it is more rewarding and satisfying if its structured. In general, life or training or whatever it is we are trying to achieve is uncertain and to have a structured way of processing uncertainties is the key. Discovering oneself is made by venturing out of our comfort zone and making uncertainties a constant thing in life. That is endurance in an essence. The ability to stay in uncertainty.

15) Now and finally, I think, being called an Ironman is not that much of a big deal compared to being called a triathlete because being an athlete is not a one off thing. It's who you are inside and who I'm not. But going forward, I have to approach races, training etc. like an athlete mainly because I want to enjoy endurance sport for as long as possible. The aim is not to just finish but to re-live the uncertainties.